Nanny of 2-year-old starts dating neighbor, parents protest when she starts calling him 'big brother': 'I'm all for community, but this seems bizarre'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jul 3, 2026 7:45 PM EDT

Should the parent or the childcare provider have the final say about who children get to spend time with?

Leaving someone else to take care of your kids is a big deal. When parents work for a living, they usually have no choice, but that doesn't mean that their choice of who gets to babysit should be taken lightly. They are somebody who could end up being a major influence on a child's formative years, the person who spends a significant amount of time dictating what they do with little parental involvement. 

In some ways, it is inevitable that there are going to have to be some compromises made in this kind of situation. A lot of parents can't be present for their kids 24/7, and the other people who care for them may have some slightly different ideas on how to do so. The most important thing is knowing that kids are going to be safe and happy, as well as ideally doing at least some of the things that parents want them to do. For any childcare provider who earns a living looking after somebody else's kids, this should not be something that is overly difficult to do.


 

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  • A man laughs as he sits on the ground and picks up a toddler
    via Jordan González (Unsplash+)

    A man laughs as he sits on the ground and picks up a toddler

  • A mom and dad had been hiring a nanny to watch their 2-year-old daughter a few times a week, with an emphasis on her taking the toddler outside of the home for activities. 

    After a few months, the 22-year-old nanny mentioned that she had started dating one of their neighbors. It then transpired that this neighbor was spending a lot of time with the nanny and the child while they were out of the house. Although the nanny insisted that she maintained firm boundaries, the parents felt like this wasn't how they wanted her to spend her working hours. They were not sure how to proceed in this situation where they fely like the nanny had crossed a boundary.

  • Nanny "keeps running into" person she's dating

    Our nanny (22) has been with us about 9 months and watches our 2 year old daughter 3x week. We live in a small, walkable city and they spend most of their time outside of the apartment, which we love. About a month ago our nanny mentioned that she had gone on a few dates with one of her neighbors,
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • and that she often sees him around town (she lives a few blocks away from us). A few weeks later, a friend of mine said he saw our nanny with our daughter walking down the street with a man. I didn't say anything at the time, assuming they had bumped into each other and it wasn't that they were
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • spending time together while she was watching our daughter, because that seemed like something I thought would be obviously inappropriate and that she wouldn't do.
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • Fast forward to this month, she mentions that my daughter calls someone at the coffee shop she frequents "big brother". My daughter talks about this person all the time at home. She sends my husband and I pictures of she and our daughter that someone else is taking. She mentions
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • again yesterday that this person happened to be at a different coffee shop she spent over an hour at yesterday. Up until now I assumed this person worked at the coffee shop, but I asked her directly if it was the person from her building who she had been dating and she said yes. She quickly
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • clarified that she doesn't ever plan to spend time with him while she's watching our daughter, she doesn't let him touch our daughter, etc., but it's becoming clear to me that this person has spent a lot of time around our daughter "incidentally" and somehow (/s) just happens to show up at the places they frequent.
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • I asked her to clarify several times that she had not ever in the past made plans to spend time with this person while watching our daughter and she said she hasn't. She apologized and insisted that she's always held that boundary and made it clear to this person, but I'm having trouble believing her. The entire reason we have a nanny is so that our
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • daughter has 1:1 attention and is able to do age-appropriate activities outside of the house (e.g. go to the children's museum, library, parks, farms, etc.) In the last month when I check on their location, it seems like they're mostly hanging out in coffee shops instead of doing the activities I mentioned above, even when I make a suggestion to do one of those things.
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • I guess trying to understand if and how we forward. I'd like to give her another chance, but feeling frustrated. I'm all for building community and having our daughter and her nanny bop around town, chat with people, have playdates with other parents/nannies/children, but this seems so bizarre and obviously out of bounds to me. Am I overreacting?
    via nigelthornberrysdad
  • A toddler walks between a woman and a man in front of a house
    via Jordan González (Unsplash+)

    A toddler walks between a woman and a man in front of a house

  • Known Party6529 Your nanny is lying to you and you know this. Stop giving her the benefit of doubt when your child is involved
    via Known_Party6529
  • Gingersnapp3d Your nanny lied to you repeatedly and let a strange man near your child, repeatedly. They have shown they are not a safe person around your child.
    via Gingersnapp3d
  • Terangela Even if she does keep "running into him," hanging out with him. while working and with NK is inappropriate. It doesn't seem like she is being forthcoming either. Her interactions should have gone
    via Terangela
  • like, "Oh hi neighbor, I'm working right now. I'll see you later." You haven't even met this person. What if he's a creep? Nope
    via Terangela
  • Acceptable-Wall2947 OP she may not be making specific plans to see him but likely is telling him where she plans to go during the day - in her young and immature mind she has found a loop hole. Unfortunately I don't think your child is getting the experience you want. You should
    via Acceptable-Wall2947
  • have a firm and specific discussion with this babysitter about what activities you expect her to be facilitating for your child. Also let her know you are not ok with them hanging out at coffee shops or with her bf. If she breaks this boundary again I would fire her for cause
    via Acceptable-Wall2947
  • natureisit I would fire her. I under reacted to this situation in the past and i regret not trusting my gut and just firing.
    via natureisit
  • Loveforeveryours08 With my last family i was with for 9 years, I was married and never brought my husband around. The first time they met him was at my baby shower. I think it's highly inappropriate.
    via Loveforeveryours08

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toddler relationships nanny parenting
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